Thursday, June 27, 2013

Through My Shades: Crooked Smile (Pt 1)


Through My Shades: Crooked Smile (Pt. 1)

My whole life I have been put under a microscope. Not only did I grow up with the peer pressure that every child faces in school but I grew up in a very conservative and strict household as a Pastor's child. As if the pressure of being a child wasn't hard enough I had to deal with it from people in my church to my parents.  I felt this enormous pressure to be "perfect" and to
do things the "right" way which was very hard for me. 

 I never really let my feelings be put on display and kept to myself about the self-esteem issues that I dealt with. I battled constantly with what I looked like and what I wanted to look like.  From being self-conscious about what I saw as flaws such as my weight, or the gap in my smile to the long legs I had inherited from Dad, which was not proportionate with my body.  I was not popular, nor the cool kid on the block and I struggled to find my own as a teenager developing into a woman.  After a relationship that went sour, my insecurities and self evaluation only increased.  I questioned over and over was I not beautiful enough or maybe I wasn't skinny enough or maybe I was not smart enough, so that is why the relationship did not work out.  I cried often, slept constantly trying to drown out the pain. 

  I dealt majorly with self-esteem issues and I just did not love myself. 
In fact, I hated myself.  I dealt with my insecurities in the oddest way by studying.  I studied hard in school, trying to prove to myself that I was good for something.  Studying transported me to another world and was therapeutic for me in so many ways.  It kept my mind from wondering or being depressed.  

After a hard first year in college, I visited NYC for the summer with my best friend and it was then that I realized that it was the first time I felt secure in who I was.  No one judged me and I wasn't under any microscope at all.  I could be me.  For the first time I was proud to have my differences. I was celebrated for my differences.  After the third visit I knew that I could not live anywhere else. I even cried on a flight back to Arkansas because it just sickened me to have to return to such a judgmental and what seemed to be lifeless state.  

I made up in my mind that I was going to do everything that it took to move after school. Of course with me telling people that I was moving to NYC  I got mixed reviews but I did not care. This was one change that I was not going to let others peoples opinions dictate.  Call it what you want, but NYC saved me in so many ways. 



12 comments:

  1. OH MY GOD! This really inspired me in so many ways. Your experiences mirror mine in so many instances. I have yet to visit NY, but somehow in my spirit, I feel that that is where I am supposed to be. I am so inspired by just the great things that I hear about it, and not nearly as affected by the negative experiences people share. I live in Texas and I am quite bored by it myself. I know that there are opportunities here just as anywhere else, but I'm not the type of person to place limitations on myself and by staying here, I would only be settling. I just want you to know that your journey is so warm and inspiring and I hope to tell the same story one day! Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am glad it did Chelcie! The first time I visited it was like just a connection. I don't know anyway else to explain it. I just knew. My life makes more since here. Don't place limitations on yourself or let anyone else either. :)

      Delete
  2. So inspiring! Thank you for being so transparent!

    ReplyDelete
  3. One of the best thing I have ever read.. Kudos to u finding your own light in this world and letting it shine for all to see. Keep up the great work, u make the barefoot backwards folks of the south proud!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol Thanks Quinn! I woke up and wrote this at 3am in the morning, but I just felt like it was something I definitely should share. :)

      Delete
  4. If you don't mind me asking- how did you make the financial transition? Was it just something you had to get used to?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I saved for a year. Also I did my research. There are excellent prices in the surrounding outskirts of the city as well. I live on the border of jersey and ny so the commute is wonderful and the prices are cheaper. But planning and saving is my best advice.

      Delete
  5. Such a great post Candace! You are such a strong inspirational beautiful woman!! Keep up the great writing!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Cam Cam!! That means a lot to me!

      Delete
  6. Glad you shared that Candace! I can definitely know how you feel. Here I am 31 and I still struggle with some of the stuff you just listed...it's gotten better though and continues to get better.Its about learning to love the skin your in and celebrating our differences and our flaws(which make us unique and beautiful).Love you girlie! Glad you're finally free!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Menia!! It is definitely a process to loving yourself for who you are. I am just now finding my balance so I am grateful.

      Delete